You have probably been there; you're finally in an OK place, you've got your daily practices and routines under control, you have a meditation session every day - although it isn't always long it gives you a calmness in your daily life....... and then suddenly you wake up one morning and realise that you've neglected a nice and promising routine, been drinking red wine every evening since you came home from your vacation and you feel stressed and not too proud of the lack of abilities that you feel in your body..... yeah. That happens. It's a thing!
Through many years of experiences and life I have finally understood why you from time to other feel "Oh, no! Not again!! WHY does this keep on coming back to me? I thought I HAD resolved that issue with my mother/bad relationships/weight/eating disorders!! WHY AM I HERE AGAIN!!?" I've made the mistake of seeing time and life as a straight line. We're born - we are children - we learn - we grow up - we work - we have families - we die. But I have realised that it is wrong! Time is not a line! But what is it then, a circle? No, I don't believe it is...... I believe that our lives move in spirals!!
Spiral! The most fundamental form on Earth. Take a look at the DNA string. It's a spiral. And the biggest, a galaxy.... yes, spiral! So why should this movement not apply to us humans? Then it also makes sense that I keep on running head first into the same issues again and again - I haven't quite learnt what I needed to learn! But it DOES become easier, it does - I promise!!
Imagine the form of a spiral where you (or a reoccurring issue) stand in the centre. Everytime you move on the spiral - in your development - you see your issue from another angle, and it can be painful because it seems as if it's ALWAYS the same. But it isn't! The issue is the same but your starting point is a little bit different all the time, because you evolve - get older - get wiser - get new issues. When you keep on seeing this theme or issue you also change your view of it. Instead of "OH GOD NO! NOT AGAIN!", it becomes "AAAH, yes..... There you are! I see you!" and finally you've learnt and evolved so much you can say "Hello, old friend! Let's dance!"
But it always seem to unbalance you when you're caught, you seem to forget this simple insight!
For me I have travelled that road AGAIN this month! I have had an operation which has stopped my work and social life for 30 days. I have reacted with over-eating, over-drinking, sleeping too little - and driving my daily practice to a grinding halt! I hadn't done any yoga or meditation for 30 days. I found my self being extremely miserable and weepy, and judgemental, calling a good friend of mine and just crying into the phone about how I couldn't do asana practice because of my operation, I didn't like the feel of myself, my reflexion repulsed me and I just ended up on the couch binge-eating and binge-watching series.
"Dry your eyes and go meditate for 5 minutes!", was her reply. "You know what happens when you have the time to quieten your thoughts down - you see things in a bigger perspective! Remember, you are on your way!!"
She was right - I have understood that I am on my way, even if it feels like a major set back right now. It's just a hurdle on my way.
I see the spiral in it again; yes, I've been here and dealt with it many a time, and my skills become better dealing with exactly this.
What I have learnt? That I am moving, also when I feel stuck. That my thoughts have immense power! That I alone have the power to change what I want to change! ..... *roll up sleeves*