The Embodied Dream
Going through life you connect with different people in different times for different reasons. Some of those bonds become very strong and last forever, you develop as humans and friends, allow space for the other individual to change - and you rejoice when something good happens for them. You may even melt into your friends life in a way that makes you almost family, an extra aunt or the big brother you never had. These friendships give space and require you to do the same, and often the connection between you deepens, matures like red wine, and one day you realize how much this person means to you. It kind of creeps up on you!
It’s a wonderful thing to live through such a friendship.
It changes - because that's what we do, change!
But sometimes and you realize that the friendship isn't exactly what you thought is was. Maybe it even takes you years to admit that the glue that held you and your friend together is long gone and it's time to move on.
Why is it then that it hurts so much? I claim - after talking to a good friend - it isn't about the actual friendship, but of the embodied dream that it fulfilled!
By that I mean maybe your friendship TRANSFORMED something it wasn't? In your head maybe you felt as if you finally found your family after many years of searching for belonging? Or maybe you had an idea about how this man was perfect for you if he just realized it already? You imagined her or him fitting into your world perfectly and began to build your world up around something that was a fata morgana........
.... and then when your friendship suddenly fell to pieces because of unsaid words, unbalanced relations, the falling of piedestals, it keeps on hunting you for years! The expression "unfinished business" is very describing here! For me I always wonder if I did the right thing, was a terrible person or I simply didn't get my way and didn't wanted to play anymore. "What did I do wrong?", I want to learn!
In my life I've had these experiences, as have we all, and some people I have no problem letting go of while others keep dwelling in the back of my head for years.
What I believe is, that if somebody keeps on lingering it's because there is something you need to finish. It doesn't matter if you broke it of or you were left behind - if you can't let go properly it's because you have an opportunity! An opportunity for learning something that is important to you in your life. Maybe even a karmic teaching?
"Do I really need to open that can of worms again?", you might think. And no - you don't! You are actually able of finishing off the business without any form of contact. Just consider if the business you have with your former friend is actually his or her problem - or, is it merely YOUR problem to solve?
In these football times - is the problem on your half of the field or the other half of the field? You cannot fix something in the defense of the other team so just stay on your side and fix what you can!
It is possible to close it and move on without any contact. "Yes - but do you do that because it's the easiest way out?", a friend asked.......
.... now, I could have argued it wasn't easy, or if she at all knew what pain I'd been through, or that the pain of letting go was much harder. Instead I realized that - yes. It was the easy way out and I needed to have another look to see where I could learn from this.
I needed to find out why it hurt me so much and that's when a friend told me that she had been going through something similar and she had found out that it's because of The Embodied Dream. You do not only hurt because it was painful to lose this friend, but also because this loss reminded you that your dream wasn't real. What you imagined didn't turn out to be the real thing. You had built up an image of your friendship that was false and when you realized it, you had lost friend AND the romantic dream you had about your friendship. Your entire world crumbled - and now you had to rebuilt everything without the person you needed the most in your life..... or at least that is how it felt.
This is how I felt when I divorced my first husband. I divorced him because I couldn't find happiness and felt guilty all the time.
It was so bad my doctor wanted to put me on antidepressants and was surprised when I told him "No, I want to go through this mourning. I am mourning my marriage didn't last - I need to feel it!", and said that I had to get back to work again fast!
Yes, I also went through times where I thought "I can't do this!" - and yes, I also called to tell him this and ask him to take me back....... luckily he didn't pick up because then I wouldn't be where I am today!
When I first met my now-husband - we connected online - he wasn't Mr. Perfect. I looked for someone younger than me, taller than me, non-smoker...... "Actually I'm not what you're looking for at all; I'm older, I'm not as tall as you and I smoke.... I just wanted to say I really like your profile!"
We've been together since 2013 and I now realize he is PERFECT for me! I didn't have any expectations, I didn't put him - or the idea of our relationship - on a piedestal. Instead it has turned out I married my best friend! We changed, and so did our marriage and our feelings...... so of course the nature of what we have has changed, too!
Now, we aren't young anymore. We are realists - we know that we could live without eath other, if we (knock wood!) got a divorce.
But still - every day I choose to be his wife and friend, I choose HIM. Not an image of what could be or The Perfect Marriage.