I have to give up on my dream.
I’ve been working towards creating a house of yoga since I started in 2016, but it has turned out to be more and more difficult - and in these Corona times it has become impossible. So - I give up.
It’s a weird feeling to let something go that you’ve been actively working towards for years. Like a divorce where you suddenly realize that it isn’t worth it any more, that the amount of energy you put into it doesn’t mean it’s going to improve.
I am grieving about it. As if I suddenly have lost my direction and purpose in life.
I remember the feeling in my entire body after I finally told my first husband that I wanted a divorce - and it’s much the same now; it’s quiet! Very quiet. Like a space where nothing exists, a vacuum where there is just silence!
“Ooooh, how sad!”, you might say and offer your consolation, but please understand that all is good! I welcome this feeling, this catharsis. It feels as if it’s a perfect time now - year 2 After Corona - I’ve turned 50, it’s December, it’s snowing and cold outside….. it’s a perfect time to lean into it and find a way out!
I do believe that the way out is through it. I need to FEEL the grief, the sorrow of letting go, and then find the spark in something new or different!
When I went through my divorce I was really bad as well, grieving the fact that I wasn’t the wife I wished I could be. When the doctor said I could get some antidepressants “just to help me through”, I said no.
My answer was “I’m grieving! I have to go through this, I can’t hurry or use a shortcut! Let me grieve in peace!”
……. his pro-medical argument was that I could get back to work faster…….
I believe that we in our society tend to “hurry” things to get back or to fit in. It is not good.
If you live in a house and you find out that one of the walls is moving and you put a beam to hold it into place, you’ll risk that the house eventually will crumble around you. You should take the time to check WHAT has happened, build scaffolding around it and then start to slowly take it down to make space to fix what’s wrong - and then you can rebuild it, safely. A lot of work, yes - but you need to do it properly!
We are so cautious of things in our lives; cars, houses, computers, telephones - they are heavily insured.... but when it comes to the one thing you only have one of - your body, your mind - you tend to think “I have to get back fast, I’ll just a little help to do so!” and maybe start to take some kind of medication
Medication is good. It can help, but it’s not meant to be going on forever. It is only a help!
Have you been diagnosed with high blood pressure, then chances are that it isn’t the only thing you have problems with; you might have problems sleeping, headaches, mood swings and maybe even difficulty performing sexually - that’s your body screaming at you that it’s in a constant stress condition and no amount of medication can help you! The only thing you can do is look at WHAT is it in your daily life that ignites this condition in your body, and then make things better.
Unfortunately we humans - yes, me too! - tend to think “Oh, pills are working! I’ll just take this medication the rest of my life!”
We are building a house on a crumbling foundation.
So - yes, I’ve had to leave my dream to find more energy for me in my life. And it’s sad. But I am hopeful that everything will turn out perfect for me - and become even better than what I possibly could have imagined.