This blog I wrote in mid December, the hardest time of all during a year. I felt really sad and inadequate and these feelings I chose to share.
When I read it now I get very surprised as to how bad I felt, how much sadness I feel in this. Because - since then I've travelled to India and reconnected with my body and am on my way!
Still I share this! I choose to do so because I believe there are a lot of people out there who doesn't talk about eating disorders. I feel ashamed, and that is on top of feeling really sh*tty in my body... being at risk of plunging into immidiate overeating!
This blog is written for me to sort out some thoughts and potentials I need to see in a broader perspective. It is a way for me to objectify a subject that has followed me always - and I want to change it now; it is the relationship with my body and understanding it that always has been a bit off.
I have an eating disorder (there! I said it!) I do not feel hunger, I don't feel full: I eat on my emotions to remove any feelings or sadness...... and I do want to change this now. I want to be the best version of me, and my body need time to recover. I find it difficult to be kind towards myself in this process and I have decided to share my thoughts here.
I am steadily moving towards menopause. I always thought I would embrace it and look forward to it, being in The Circle of Wise Women..... it is surprising to me that I absolutely HATE it!
Instead of the security and wisdom of age, I feel much more self-aware and critical around myself, my body and my path. I'm weepy, my joints are pounding (also because of my weight, I know) and it hasn't done anything good for me that I also recently got operated on, so I'm not feeling well in and with my body, being very conscious of my stomach, my size and my movements. And then I worry I eat. In German it's called "kümmern essen", translated "worry eating". That is what I am doing and I can't stop this spiral.
In menopause I wished and hoped to find calm in the relationship towards myself, both in body and mind; I am sad to say that I am harder on my self than ever!
Mid-June I had a big operation that also was more complicated than first anticipated - I felt sadder than ever and started to question my own path. I just felt so sad!
I will try to tell you my thought pattern;
WHAT has been my biggest problem throughout my life?
I'm too critical towards myself! I judge myself much harder than I would ever judge anybody else. This realtionship with myself has always been one of always questioning, doubting and hating my own body. Every minute of every day I thought about how big I am, how clumsy I am, how much space I take up in the world and why I couldn't become skinny and (thereby?) happy! Many a time I've pretended to be less intelligent, my body position is also a bit forward bent to hide how tall I actually am. I try to make myself smaller than I am.
WHAT does this negative body relationship mean in my daily life? I am always thinking about calories and how to lose weight. I am very conscious about my height in the public space, I always place myself in the back of a room or anywhere I'm with other people. When I'm tired my cravings run off with me and I find myself eating absolutely EVERYTHING I can get my hands on. The feeling of soothing every emotion in my body with food has always been my go-to action. Sadly!
WHERE does this come from? I don't remember NOT having issues with food in my life. I think it must come from a time in my childhood where we were poor and we didn't always get food. When I had food, I ate it all because I didn't know when I would be able to eat again! Now I'm an adult and I can CHOOSE what to eat, when to eat and HOW MUCH to eat I should be able to "get over my disorder", surely? Well, it's difficult because it isn't something I have shared with people!
WHY is it difficult to change? My own instincs say that it's difficult to change because it has been so deeply embedded in me. That when I worry or am sad, I eat! I also recently found out of that I also eat when I'm happy, as a prize for doing good!! That was an interesting insight!
A wise man asked me in India "Do you want to follow your Ego or your Heart?", where I immidiately answered "Heart!" without hesitating. I think that my Ego has been so strong because it KNOWS this way! The Ego doen't handle change well, and trying to sort out an eating disorder is a huge change. I know in my heart that if I listen to what my body NEEDS! everything will find equilibrium, a balance. That point where I honour my soul with a house fitting for it! A healthy, strong and balanced body.
I will be kind to my body. I am on my way and I have to respect that this journey will take some time to travel! What my goals are? To have the disorder identified and under supervision before I turn 50 next fall.
When I see pictures of myself I cringe! I need to stop that - I want to be able to look at pictures and be kind, as I am to everybody else when I see pictures of them! And, again - I am on my way - so I'll post some pictues here, showing you who I am!...... and maybe also showing MYSELF who I am!