I cannot tell how many times I’ve said that - and it seems to become more and more frequent as I grow older. Today I caught myself thinking “How come you seem to be less tolerant now? Have you finally turned into that old cranky hag you’ve always made fun of?”
But these last couple of months I’ve realized that it has got nothing to do with becoming old and cranky…. but for me it has become more and more about seeing the part that you have in the problem - then forgiving yourself (and thereby others) and letting it go. In realizing that it is my circus and the monkeys have run amok! (Yeah - well, maybe not ONLY my circus, but I did certainly take part in allowing the amok-running) I am given an opportunity to look carefully at how I can be a part of catching the monkeys and calming them down again.
I do think that this time with the pandemic plays a role in it as well; there has been so much space and time for reflection. I lean into it, this space, and enjoy seeing where the “not-reacting” will bring my thoughts. I find it gives me deeper and more truthful insights about myself. I have learned more about myself these last 2 years than I have for a long time.
Maybe it’s also because I cherish this time of change I’m in; turning 50 in a few months I have some sh*t I need to sort out to get ready for the next half of my life.
There is a saying that before you speak, think about the following “Is it truthful? Is it hurtful? Is it necessary?”.
I’ve found myself taking my statements by the hand and helping them through these three gates and I reason
Is it truthful? Yes, it is the truth - FOR YOU! That is why you want to share
it, because this is what is happening in and around you when you work with a specific issue/problem/insight.
Is it hurtful? …. a little more difficult because if you are hurting you often want to hurt someone back, to tell them how you reacted and why and what it made you feel. We tend to make big dramas out of smaller things - because we feel so much. And that’s ok!
Is it necessary? This the difficult part - is it REALLY necessary to speak of this to the person or persons involved? Will it change anything? If you with a clear mind can say “yes!”, then by all means, continue down this path. If there is a pause or you can’t be totally clear….. then I argue to NOT saying it! A wise friend said to me "It's not always easier to have a session with the person involved because there will be TWO sides and much more drama - find out what it triggered and sort it WITH YOU!"
If you keep yourself in sight and remember to be loving towards yourself you’ll go through this less and less. And when you do you will realize - just like I did - where your own part was and what role it played in it. When you do that you’ll take responsibility for it. With this responsibility comes the fact that you’ve taken control - and now you can sort it! You have taken the power back to make things right! FOR YOU - because this is the core point!
We have to make sure that WE ARE SORTED! That our sh*t is sorted, put where it belongs, also when it means that you’re embarrassed or ashamed about it. At least you know WHAT it is and WHY it triggered you. Then you have nothing to feel shame for. When we all do that the life threads between us will be clearer. I mean we never go into a relationship of any kind to consciencely hurt someone! We seek balance - respect and acceptance - and therefore we must give it to others!
I argue that when you are not ashamed, then you are truly free - because with the freedom from shame comes the freedom of fear. You don’t have to live your life in fear - for people knowing it of it, or talking about it. You’ve already taken ownership! You know how it looks, how it - and you! - react.
So, it is not because you get “too old” - but merely that you find your power knowing what you want and not want in your life!
And how beautiful that feeling is!