Skamløs

Skamløs means without shame


from wikipedia: Shame is an unpleasant self-conscious emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self; withdrawal motivations; and feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shame


In Denmark there is a trend that is called “Share your shame” #deldinskam and it’s for young women of another ethnicity than danish to share things they normally don’t share with anybody; it can be forbidden love, being gay, not feeling at home in one culture, periods, and so on.


There is also a podcast (in danish https://podcasts.apple.com/dk/podcast/skamløs/id1535466089) if you would interested in knowing more about the specific stories of the incredibly brave women.


After hearing about it, it kind of festered in my mind, and now I advocate that it is not only people who are living 2 different cultures that have this kind of stigma: we all do! You know, that secret you con’t tell anybody, the dark side you want to pretend is not there? When it emerges you’re extremely embarrassed and maybe you even get angry and (in the worse cases) self harm?



My 49th year is running out - and as the Virgo I am I’ve decided to work with my own sh*t, to get ready to the next half of my life. Much like the way I clean my house to get ready for spring - I go though and clean all closets, cabinets, drawers and stacks of papers, throw out and sort. I find out what I want and not want to take with me - I go through my own emotional wardrobes of almost Narnian proportions. I look at how I have dealt with things throughout my life, evaluate and work with it and find out if it actually IS like I’m afraid of, or if it has changed over time and I just haven't realized it!

To put this into a setting that’s easier to understand I suddenly realized that the one type of food I’ve always loved - always come back to - and always missed living in Germany where I can't buy it…. that food you eat with your mind as well because it gives you comfort and reminds you of good ol’e days - I didn’t like the taste nor the consistency of it! Suddenly I understood that THE IDEA of this was stronger than anything, and that it was THE IDEA of this food that comforted me!!


I think that the mere idea of something can affect you just as strongly as the issue itself! If you don’t talk about and share what your problems, shame and dark sides are chances are that you won’t even notice when they change - thus it doesn’t impact you the same way anymore!

My last blog was on the issue I have with overeating, actually an addiction I’ve had since my very troubled childhood (something I’m well underway with by the way, thanks for asking!) My sharing it on a broader media has helped me to understand that MANY others fight this battle - I AM NOT ALONE! It becomes not dangerous!


But there’s STILL things to see, acknowledge, sort and change. Many of the things I don’t see myself, as I mentioned before - I’ve gotten used to *the scar”, I see it and live with it, and that’s why I claim I NEED TO SHARE IT!


Why is it, then, we don’t trust ourselves to share it? That you don’t have that one close friend you can tell the darkest and most ugly secret and you just KNOW she’s still gonna love you? That she’s probably going to out-do you by carrying something (for her!) much worse?


TRUST


  1. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! We all carry something with us that we would be mortified about telling people, also close friends!

  2. you have to see it and acknowledge it first! You can’t share something you can’t see!

  3. write! Diary or letters or notes. Just to get it out will help you to see and identify.

  4. you would benefit from having someone who can help you in the process. Speaking about it makes it less dangerous and facing a problem means that you have the option of DOING something. Maybe you need your best friend, honest and loving by your side? Or a therapist you trust to help you to find a way. (I have a therapist I trust, and our deal is that I can call her when I need her - I haven’t had many years in my life where I haven’t been in therapy! I think its healthy!)

  5. be kind to yourself! Remember you are trying to change something that you’ve done a certain way for many years, maybe your entire life. See yourself from an observers perspective; how much you can and do, how kind and funny you are, how hard you work and the way you’re always there for your friends.

PRACTCAL TIP here could be to pretend that your dream job suddenly is advertised - and then have one of your friends write an application as you and tell them why you’re perfect for the job!


And remember, It is a process - and you cannot hurry though it. It takes the time it takes. I promise you it gets easier to see and identify the themes, and slowly you’ll learn to see it even BEFORE it arises and you can choose to act differently. THAT is when you’ve tackled it, made it not-important and non-dangerous!

I think shame and guilt are the 2 worst things in the world. Everything comes down to these 2 feelings. It is in all cultures, all counties, even if it changes a bit. In these social media times where EVERYTHING looks so perfect it’s even worse to admit that you are envious of your friends good fortune, you like the feel of fur on your skin, or that you don’t like sex - or you like too much of it! Do we not share that because it makes us look less perfect? Don’t you also have the right to be "just" human?


Where does it come from? A dear friend of mine argued that it’s fear of death; that our species is so low on the survival ladder that everything we do comes out of fear to be thrown out of the tribe - and dying. Interesting thought!

In Denmark we have Janteloven - on top of that! Wikipedia explains it like this; https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Law_of_Jante

The Law of Jante (Danish: Janteloven) is a literary element that has been assumed by some to explain the egalitarian nature of Nordic countries. It characterises not conforming, doing things out of the ordinary, or being personally ambitious as unworthy and inappropriate. The attitudes were first formulated in the form of the ten rules of Jante Law by the Danish-Norwegian author Aksel Sandemose in his satirical novel A Fugitive Crosses His Tracks (En flyktning krysser sitt spor, 1933), but the actual attitudes themselves are older. Sandemose portrays the fictional small Danish town of Jante, which he modeled upon his native town Nykøbing Mors in the 1930s, where nobody was anonymous, a feature of life typical of all small towns and communities.

Used generally in colloquial speech in the Nordic countries as a sociological term to denote a social attitude of disapproval towards expressions of individuality and personal success, it emphasizes adherence to the collective.


Basically, it means don’t you DARE to think that you are better than or different to anyone else!


When I was a child I was afraid of tigers - and just the more thought of a tiger trying to catch me would make me run frantically though house and garden. I now know that instead of running away if I turn around and face the tiger, chances are that all I see merely is a cat whose shadow has grown monstrous on the walls.


I claim we ARE just as amazing as the next being - and we could benefit from sharing our inner most humiliating thoughts as we would realize WE DO NOT STAND ALONE!


I’ll start


I am embarrassed about the person I was when I was a child!


For a lang time I didn’t have any pictures of me when I was a child - or of our family.


I was insistent and loud, I hit and fought my siblings, I was a thief and very good at it, nicked from shops and even my parents. I didn’t listen to them and pushed boundaries at every opportunity I got


Also, I didn’t pay attention in school, I was too smart for my own good and always tried to figure out how I could benefit from any situation.


I didn’t have any friends, even adults didn’t like me. I wasn’t taught how to care for my own personal hygiene and as I was a bet-wetter until I moved away from home at age 12, I stunk! I didn’t care about how I looked, I didn’t want to make an effort to show people what I actually could do - and when I was 14 I was tested to see if my intelligence was developed age appropriately.


When I finally admitted this my closest friend I was in tears - and her response was “You didn’t learn!”


Today I have a total of 2 pictures of me from my childhood - one where my mother is carrying me being baptized and one of me in a high chair before I was 1 year old. These I choose to keep - and I also like the girl in the high chair! She’s got pizazz and power and I keep the picture at my bedside so I can be reminded about my essence every day!


I have meditated about it, written about it and spoken about it - and now I understand it wasn’t me as a child I was embarrassed about, but the way this child had to learn to navigate in the world that makes me sad….. and that was not my responsibility! I should’ve learnt!


A goal for me this year is to be move loving towards my inner child!


I am dealing with my shame by dissecting it, sharing, understanding it - and the goal is to finally loving my inner child!


Are you on the same path?

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