My oldest companion
My oldest companion is to not feel good and happy in me because I'm... well, not fat (I don't wanna be mean to myself!!) or curvy (I don't look gorgeous!) - but overweight! I am overweight! My BMI is higher than 32, my clothes are sizes 46-50 (Eurropean) , depending on where you buy them and I'm very aware as to how I look in different outfits because I am a public person, a role model and someone who takes that responsibility seriously.
I have not been on a scale for a looong time, because I know what will happen! I will concentrate so hard on the numbers on ot that I will over do everything; fitness, fasting, muscle building..... I am a true Virgo, everythiing done to perfection! I don't like myself when I am like that! Last time I did it I ruined all my joints and a herniated disc that made me put on yet another load of kilos!
My best friend and I talk every day (thank GOD! for WhatsApp!) It's almost a type of therapy for me, being able to share my inner thoughts and experiences with someone and I'm a better person for having her in my life.
One of the things that has taken up the most of our time is how to lose weight so we become the perfect edition of the person we are. And I must admit I'm getting a bit fed up with it!
Where did we learn that we are not perfect? That we had to fit into a box of how to look? In this day and age social media are giving thumbs up for women of all types and sizes, and we all try to "fit in" calling ourselves "big boned" or "curvy". But - when did this start? And what has kept me under pressure and the most important; WHY can't I solve my eating disorder that I OBVIOUSLY have since I always have been - and propably always will be - overweight?
I turned 47 this year. I can't remember the first time someone told me I was fat, but I remember the first time someone made fun of me, degrading me because I was eating. That I really didn't need to have an intake I could just use my fat layers. It was someone from my family, so in my daily life!
I have always - through at least 35 years - been on some sort of diet, not eating or only on powder for longer periods of time and I HAVE lost weight... but regained it again!
Being overweight for me means that I have an addiction; to food AND to eating EVERYTHING once I've started. I am addicted to something you just can't stop! I have to eat to survive! Maybe that's whats makes it difficult? If it was something like smoking or drinking would I be able to stop it as I don't need it to survive?
Diets don't do it for me - I have realised that it is a daily choice! I have to choose everyday to NOT BE FAT! To live consciencly! I'm trying to relearn my relationship with food to that food is NOT my enemy and I either eat it or leave it! And also to be in control at all times because if stressed, my absolute LUST for sweeties or sugar runs off into the horizon and leaves me and all my good intentions in a heep of tears!
I have realised that I really do not want to be on an eternal diet! I don't want to be weighing my food, living of powder or not eating at all. I just want to have an ordinary relationship with food, a healthy setting to a normal slightly boring life.
Over the years people have told me that it's so nice to have a friend like me! They can always find me in stores as I am so tall. At concerts they are always safe! In rain and wind they can hide. And during the last hurricane in Europe I was riding on the bike from Garmisch to Saarland, 550 kilometres, and if I had been a smaller version of my self I would've blown away!
I do very strongly believe that it is difficult to change, the focus on being overweight fat-shaming and other issues about how to be perfect! I believe the access to internet has made these issues MUCH worse! The amount of self-promotion going on on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram - with all filters available - spils over in Real World. But, alas, filters are not available in Real World! And if you're disgusted by somethiing you have easier access to finding other people who shares ypur hatred, and off it goes!! It makes me sad for the generations to come!
I don't need much - I just want to find out WHERE and HOW I am the best version of me. Where do I feel that I'm at my best? How does it feel to be at my best? Being older I might have more calmness in my life to dare this, to just concentrate on my own little life, my own little garden - even if the grass looks greener on the other side I want my own grass, and do things in my own tempo! Doing my best!
Where are YOU at your best?