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  • Fleur Adams

How I tried to NOT become a yoga instructor!


"I know of a yoga pose for that", my friend said and had this crazy light in her eyes. And yet again I sighed really deeply and looked at her and said: "It doesn't matter WHAT I say, you always seem to know of some pose standing on your head or balancing while putting on socks!"

I really, really did not want to do yoga - as in AT ALL! The yogis I had seen was small, bendy, quiet, vegan and holy! They seem to have the answer to everything! I made a joke once that she didn't have to concentrate on how to get home because she could levitate! She didn't take that well.

I am a true Viking; tall, curvy, loud, like beer and meat, laugh out loud, smoke cigars, drink rum....... I could not see me as a yoga person so I just ignored it and the attraction towards the spiritual side that I really liked! Nonono, THAT wasn't for me!

I've always had problems with my weight, always fought eating disorders and fluctuating weight - and I have been trying ALL diets, all ways to cleanse myself, make myself better, I've doing fitness, hot iron, circular training, running, weightlifting.... all kinds of things. I became strong, but never thin! I guess I liked beer and meat too much!

Then my life fell apart; I left my husband of almost 17 years and I dived directly into alcohol addiction to just be able to get through my daily life, I trained even harder and longer, heavier and more focused - all days during the week!

- and I did not listen to my body. And it tried to stop me, but I just put my head down and grafted on...... until my body sent me a slipped disc and I couldn't move at all! I was forced to lie down! Could not run away from my thoughts, nor my pain.

After becoming more and more heavy I realized that I had to do something to start moving, so I could feel better, get fresher and more fit...... and the only thing I physically could do was yoga!

I lived in the middle of Europe at that time, I was a GIANT compared to them, my Viking body type just scared them - maybe the expectation of me crushing them under me when I lost my balance!! I was embarrassed, but it felt good to have moved and the stretching we did I felt were really good for me.

I stuck it out, kept doing my classes, became more and more secure in my body and self awareness, and after a time I starting practicing without my glasses, concentrated solely on myself, my body and breathing. I liked yoga.

The next many years I did have my weekly class, I got a private tutor, Julie, who was really good and I learned a lot. Yoga became something I did on the side - because I actually could start doing my fitness again - to do a slow and nice practice to complement the stress of the fitness centre. I never wanted to become addicted to fitness again.

In 2015 I stopped working, got married, lost a deep friendship, and moved - typically me, I do it ALL AT ONCE! And it became a bit much and I fell into depression. For months I just sat questioning myself about my choices, my life, lost friendships, my hysterectomy, living away from your friends and family...... I felt lost. My husband said to me: "You have to find out what you want! I cannot help you, but you have my full support!"

I realized I needed a reboot! Pull the plug and start all over!

I found a yoga teacher course in Berlin with a yogi from the Himalayas. A month away, a month with myself and my body, working with spirituality and breath, daily meditation and yoga. I really didn't want the certificate, no I just wanted to follow the course and find out what I wanted.

After 3 weeks of teachings my yogi said to me: "I know you do not want to be a teacher - but some people are just teachers in their heart!" I finished the course with good comments from teachers and students, deep friendships and calmness in my mind! I wanted to do it some more!

And now I put my legs up and enjoy that I now work with what I like; yoga, yoga therapy and yogic ways. I feel so happy and grateful that I have so much more to learn and share.

Thank you for being a part of it.

#yoga #change #weightissues #addiction #depression

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